love & grief

To be honest, I had never truly thought about us dying - either of us, really.  It never occurred to me that life could exist without her. Now that I am forced to face that thought -death - I find that I have the perfect scenario in mind:  When we were both 90 - 100+, we would both die on the same day.  Within minutes of each other  - so neither had time to find out about the other. I like this plan.  In this plan, I would never, ever have to live in a world that did not include her. This plan calms me, makes me smile....we are old and grey (grey-er for her - ha!!!), our families are big and boisterous, we are sharp and content and enjoying our twilight years. 

Reality sucks.  Wait, what's that '90s movie? Reality Bites.  That' s it. Boy does it. Reality means this is not how our lives will play out.  Reality says that I am going to have to face a world that does not include her.  Maybe for a long time.  I am not okay with this bastard, reality. I am not okay with our plans not happening, not growing old together, embarrassing our children together, doing ordinary things together, all the laughing....oh the laughing.  I know should she leave me, I will miss that most of all. 

I know what people will say...they say that because I am (working hard on) accepting reality that I am a fatalist.  I have accepted the doctor's odds, and I have given up hope. 

You could not be more wrong.  Hope is exactly what I do have.  Hope.  Belief.  Belief in this incredible woman by whose side I have walked most of my life.  Belief in miracles, because they happen every day.  Belief in the power of prayer, the power of love, the power of positive thinking. 

I believe.  I also believe that if she has accepted reality, then I should honor that.  Hell, any one of us could get hit by a truck tomorrow. End of story.  When the story ends, for either of us, I want to smile through my tears, knowing that I shared all that was in my heart.  All the memories we made together filled my heart so full, and I told her how much it all meant.  That as much as I love her, I will love her children that much more.  For as long as God will let me.  This I can do...to combat the helplessness....to work through the sorrow....to screw my head on straight so I can show one ounce of the courage and grace she exemplifies on a daily basis. 

I believe.