I keep telling myself that I started this blog to write in it, but I just can't bring myself to sit down and do it. I tell myself it's because I can't pull the memories out....they are on a continuous reel in my mind, it never stops. It's as if my life is flashing behind my eyes....I can see all the moments that include Suzanne, but I can't see the details. They don't come. It won't slow down long enough for me to remember them properly. Ugh.
I believe it's a defense mechanism. My brain is trying to protect my bruised heart - it is too much. I also like to think it's saving them, hoarding the details away for a time when they are all I have left of her. Then the details will come, when I need them most - when I need to feel her spirit, to remember the fun we had, the love, the laughter, when my heart is ready to start mending.
I really hope that is true, because I need them - for the book, for the pages I need to write for Suzanne and Kelly, for me.....for comfort. Comfort escapes me now....so I try to stay busy. I work on the book, I work on Team SMAC's page, I answer e-mails and phone calls. I stay up too late, so sleep is hard and heavy....no dreams. Busy leaves me little time to think, and I love that. Time to think means that cold, hard reality creeps in...into every thought....it whispers all the awful things I am struggling with in my ear.....it leaves me battered and bruised, crying, aching.
It's after midnight....up too late again....I shall head to bed. I shall sleep....but not to dream.
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