survivor guilt

This is something I don't talk about anymore.  I wish I could type it in a whisper now, actually.  You see....I am a cancer survivor.  Four years ago this month, after months of tests and doctor appointments and a "suspicious" biopsy, I had my thyroid removed.  The surgeon told me I "dodged a bullet," as the cancer was just about to burst out and spread.  Thankfully, they got it all. 

Lately, I ask myself "why?" all the time. Why me? Why Suzanne? Why? WHY? Why, if she had to have cancer, couldn't she have thyroid cancer? Why? Why not anything easier to treat than what she has? Why did I get to walk away from it and she is stuck in its grip?  It eats at me.  Guilt. I hate that my road, in the grand scheme of treatments, was the easy one......and hers appears to be an uphill climb.  Guilty. I feel so guilty.

Because.......after a treatment regimen and finding the right medication, I'm doing great.  The cancer has stayed away, and I am diligent about doctor's appointments, bloodwork, and taking my medicine (well, mostly..I forget about once a week).  I do ultrasounds every third year, and now my endocrinologist lets me do my WBS (whole body scan) every other year instead of every year (this was HUGE for me, as it means no LID [low iodine diet] every year, which is the worst!).

When the diagnosis/pathology came first came in, though, I was in shock. I spent a LOT of time researching, trying to understand. It is such a unique cancer, especially in its treatment. I joined an online support group that was a lifesaver. I "met" a dear friend there - we had surgery the same day and have been close friends ever since.  I spent a lot of time reassuring my family and friends that it was okay, I was going to be okay, and as far as cancers go, it was treatable.

Still, it was cancer, and it shook me to my core. It took away a constant in my life, something I took great pride in - my health. I'd never had to worry about it before - seasonal allergies, horrific cramps, winter colds, but nothing major. I'd never even broken a bone (still haven't - knock wood!).  I hated it. And, as much as I reassured everyone else, I couldn't reassure myself.  It was CANCER, for heaven's sake.  Cancer!  At 33!  It was terrifying. And, recurrence is always a possibility (hence the diligence with the endocrinologist). 

Today, I am grateful. I am so grateful that it was treatable.  I am so grateful that my GP checked my neck and ran tests. I am grateful to Dr. D'A. for being the best doctor in the world.  I am grateful to Dr. A-D. and even the odd Dr. McC. for treating me, testing me, for keeping me here.  I am so grateful for radioactive iodine, Thyrogen, and Synthroid.  I am grateful to all the patients who came before me for their lessons and the Low Iodine Cookbook.  Mostly, though, I am just grateful to be here. Living my life. Loving my family and friends. Counting my blessings.

I want to see my Pookie here - at the grateful place.  Battle-weary, but surviving and grateful to those who made the journey possible.  I will wait for her here....arms open, smile ready....I will wait.