haunted October

October has always been one of my favorite months of the year....we are fully into fall, pumpkins, apples, sweaters, tea...mmmm.  Comfort and warmth.  I just love this time of year.  Yet this year, like last, it is covered in a layer of sadness....that twinge of grief that steals your breath as you remember.

Since Cora's and Crosby's birthday late last month, I find myself thinking of what was happening "at this time last year....." pretty often.  It is hard not to....I still have trouble accepting the stark contrast between last year and this one. How can so much change?  It is like a swift kick to the gut.

I knew these 27 days were going to be tough, and I was right.  If they are tough for me, I cannot even fathom what they  must be like for Suzanne and KellyBoi.  And for Mr. and Mrs.Ely....for Janet and Toby....for Shawn and Kate....for Andy...for Aidan.  Sigh.

This morning I received an e-mail entitled "anniversary notice."  When I opened it, it was reminding me that in one week it will have been a year since Cora passed.  It seems to be generated from the funeral home's website (I signed the guestbook).  I have never gotten one before, so perhaps they are being kind -- recognizing the depth of grief experienced by parents losing a child and encouraging their loved ones to rally around them at this hell-aversary (Suzanne's word).  That is a nice thought and gesture.

But all I can think is that I didn't need the damn reminder.  I know it is coming, I am conscious of it all the time. I surely didn't need it today....the one year anniversay of the day I last held Cora in my arms.